Moms Say the Best Things

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I get more laughs out of reading my cousin’s texts telling me about her day home with the kids than I do from watching some Netflix shows. Sure, most of the stories we exchange deal with being woken up to a child smacking our face at 4 in the morning, canola oil in the living room, mother-in-laws who force us to rake our own lawn, husbands who think we are crazy, and other nonsense we like to call our lives. But I quite enjoy sharing in the camaraderie of motherhood.

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Celebrities have professional chefs and nannies to lighten their load and allow them to juggle fashion and jewelry lines, or furniture empires, but us common folk have to deal with saving our pennies for the local high school babysitter and stealing time from the wee hours of the night to stay sane. I think there are people out there without kids who assume mothers, and parents in general, exaggerate all the time.

It can’t be that bad! Maybe if you tried [insert useless suggestion that I have already tried many times or that I don’t have the money or effort to pour into], it would be better.

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Most of the helpful advice comes from a person who knows your child personally or has struggled with the same issue (disciplining a child who hates their sibling, convincing a toddler to eat more than just cheese everyday, explaining God to a child, figuring out a way to shower in under 3 minutes, etc.), so I’m not saying people that offer their tips don’t mean well or aren’t sometimes helpful, it’s just very rare.

Anyway, I think letting it all out is the most cathartic relaxation technique sometimes, and it leaves room for more productive or intelligent thoughts in my head. Here are a few examples of my thoughts just this week:

  • My baby’s first word is going to be ‘representative’.
  • I’m not a quitter. I wait in the drive thru line for my cheeseburger even if the line is so long that other cars are starting to leave.
  • Yeah, I’m working on myself. Just yesterday, I tweezed my eyebrows.
  • I think my baby is more advanced than me: he can’t speak yet he knows how to say no, deal with people he doesn’t like, and make the best out of any situation, even if he’s bored.
  • Why am I sitting in a closet? Because my son told me to.
  • Moms can still be attractive, so I will keep dressing up even without a ‘reason’ to.
  • I let God have control over my life. That’s a lie, He took control after I lost it, but I’m sure glad He did.
  • I don’t understand why so many parents complain about their kids’ lost shoes. Now losing your own shoes because your toddler plays in your closet, that’s another story.
  • Stranger danger is not a thing anymore. Family and friends are likely to do you more harm.
  • But I taught my son my first name and his dad’s first name, in case he ever gets lost or kidnapped and needs to ask someone for help…
  • Target, why are you removing the popular options for items like shampoo, Teddy Grahams, granola bars and juice? I’m on to you, and I will not buy the honey flavor of Teddy Grahams just because you won’t stock cinnamon!
  • I watched ‘A Simple Favor’ movie five times because it inspired me to gain back my confidence.
  • It shouldn’t be a crime to want a clean house, but it’s easier for me because my child wants to help with every chore.
  • My purse? It’s just a fancy and expensive diaper bag at this point.
  • My kid doesn’t nap anymore, so I don’t either. That means it’s twice as hard for me to be normal.
  • I only shave when people are coming over.
  • No, I don’t want to volunteer or donate to your cause. Do you want to donate to me?
  • Maybe I watch too much TV, but my closest friends can quote the same shows as me.
  • ‘Organic’ anything is a scam. Your organic vegetables still have the same pesticides sprayed onto them in the farm as mine do when they get processed in the factory. And I will not give up Famous Amos cookies.
  • My kid might have issues following rules but at least he knows what he wants and he goes for it!
  • I’m not sure how parents without faith in God get by everyday.
  • Read my diary if you want, but I’m not paying for the therapy sessions you’ll need afterwards. 

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